The topic for #CandidSpeak Episode 1 is Self-confidence.
Self esteem and confidence is something that I have struggled with for the majority of my life. I let others’ opinions bog me down and the fear of failure rule my performance. So when things began to change in the last couple of years after some conscious efforts to improve my self-worth, it transformed my way of thinking and how I carried myself and took decisions.
The guest speaker was a no-brainer, because I have known and been intimidated by Arshita for a long time now 😛 and confidence is something she wears best! We had a fun-filled and engaging conversation, like two friends who met for lunch.
I hope you enjoy it too as much as I did, and find a few take aways that may help you in your journey.
Arshita: Thank you Sampada , this is a really great idea and thank you for having me here for your first live video.
A little bit about myself- I am a small town girl with big ambitions and big dreams. I am a feminist and I believe in challenging any of the norms that are around us in terms of what women should do and should not do. I am also very passionate about nature, I guess, I can be called a tree-hugger, who wants the planet we live on to flourish and thrive, not just for us, but for our future generations.
I am sure at this point some of you might be thinking, okay, what does she actually do. To that, I am a management consultant. I work for a global management consulting firm headquartered in Chicago.
I have had some unconventional experiences in life. I have not had a straight corporate ladder. I have taken multiple twists and turns and I think that has helped me learn and unlearn a few lessons and that is something I think could be interesting to share on today’s platform.
If that is something that piques your interest, please stick around for 30 minutes or so. And if it helps, I have some gray strands growing, that means I have some intelligence 😀
Sampada: Haha! That’s so much of passion packed into one person!
It’s amazing how are you are breaking barriers, Arshita. I am sure making unconventional choices helped you shape into this confident person that you are now.
I actually have a little confession to make. When I met you five to six years ago at a party, I was a little intimidated by you. You walked in and owned that room. It’s hard to find such self-confident women. That made me go “wow, she knows her shit !” It was a combination of admiration and intimidation, to be fair to you 😉
Sampada: The last time we talked, you were mentioning about an experience in India with your manager. I think it was in the early stages of your career.
You were in the middle of a performance review and your manager had the audacity to tell you to slow down and not take your career seriously because you are a woman.
Can you share with us a little bit more about that incident ? How it affected you and how you responded to it then?
Arshita: Yes! To set a little bit of context, I had just finished my undergrad, had two years of experience under my belt and had started to think about what role can I actually play to bring value to the client, which in turn would also help me to learn and shine. And I kind of figured that performance review would be the best platform to discuss this.
So I get into the room, the team lead gives me some feedback, some useful, some not. The conversation was going well and I thought this was the perfect moment to discuss my thoughts.
He heard me out and then said “You know what, this is an on-site role. You are going to get married in a year or two, have kids, and then we will have to figure out how to replace you, bring more people in, train them to do what you do”.
He had my entire life planned out! Two years after college, right, I did not have the emotional intelligence to react definitely, so I was taken aback and thought “what is he saying, is this some kind of a feedback?!” I didn’t say anything. He knew I was not satisfied , so he went on to tell me how I can emulate person X who was a coder and how it would suit me better.
‘I gave myself six months to get out of there because the runway for my growth had ended’
-Arshita
I very quickly realized that he had bias in his mind. So I gave in at that point, went back home and reflected, and gave myself six months to get out of there because the runway for my growth has ended. I needed to find a new space, new ecosystem where I could really flourish and grow. So that’s what I did. I left the company and joined a start up and that was an experience in itself!
Sampada: Wow, my take away from the story is join a start up! Ha ha Ha
Arshita: Start up challenges you in so many ways it does help you get exposed to different scenarios and expects you to stretch yourself in so many ways
Sampada: Absolutely!
If you look back and think about it, whatever happened with your manager was actually a trigger for you to leave that place and find something better, and not dwell on what really happened and try to make it work in the same place. Its important to understand if you really have opportunities for growth where you are and take action accordingly and you did just that!
Another unconventional thing that you did very recently was you took a sabbatical from work for three months and went to South Asian countries to try out on a different role to see if that is what you wanted to do long-term, if that was meaningful do you. I am pretty sure it was not an easy decision to make, to leave everything you are comfortable with and try out a stint in a different country.
So how did you go about making that decision?Where did that confidence come from?
Arshita: sure, I will answer the second part of your question first. Where does that confidence come from.
It’s a classic case of nature versus nurture, right? If you think about it, and research also proves, that boys and girls are born with similar levels of confidence, if you see them, they are ready to win the world.
A lot of external factors influence you to be who you are, who you become. I was very lucky in that aspect. Both my parents never viewed me and my sister as daughters. They viewed us as children. It was never about girls cannot do this, girls cannot do that, we never had those barriers placed in front of us. There was never a case where we thought “oh, we cannot do this because we are girls”. I think it was an important ingredient into making me the person I am.
And not just parents, we are influenced outside of home right? I grew up in India and India is a country which is still recovering from the colonial hangover and that brings hierarchical thinking in people. This influenced my thinking as well but I consciously make myself aware about the step progression kind of thinking and tell myself that it is not the way to go about. I have been lucky that way when it comes to external factors, I try my best to overcome this barrier.
Coming to intrinsic factors, I am not a very deep person but I try to reflect a lot and make it a point to sit down and introspect on what my strengths are, what do I need to really learn and groom myself and have that honest discussion with myself to keep me grounded in my reality. I think it helps me be the authentic person I am and project that outside.
Coming back to your original question on my move to South Asian countries, I realized that I was getting comfortable in where I was and I wanted to see, what the world look like, from a non-business lens and that’s why I took up this opportunity.
I was definitely scared. I had never done that kind of work before. I had never been in such a different place before. But I went ahead with the idea of what I can offer, of value, to the team there. So I had this conversation with them, I told them I had never done this kind of work before, and this is what I can bring to the table. Is this what you want? Is that of value to you?
I believe that everybody has a unique journey and everybody has to offer some thing that is of value so, we did click somewhere, the team and I, and we figured out a plan together where I could really add value and help them.
Sampada: Interesting. Talking of self reflection, the general tendency is to dwell more upon your weaknesses, for example, when it comes to me, I reflect a lot, but I am only continuously dwelling on what I cannot do well, what I am weak at. What stares at me hard is what I cannot do.
I wouldn’t could have considered myself confident for a long period of time.
It turned around for me a couple of years ago when I started going to Toastmasters club. I started attending the club regularly for 2 to 3 years and challenged myself to face my fears.
I think public speaking is one of the ways you express your confidence, you have to speak all the time at work, at home, negotiate, convey some thing to your family members, convince them to do some thing.
I felt like I was not a very good communicator, and that affected my confidence. So I joined Toastmasters. Every time I go up to the stage to speak, with 20 pairs of eyes looking at me, I would blabber something. But it’s an encouraging environment, so what’s the worst thing that could happen?
Those times made me realize that there is nothing really to lose. If I can stop focusing on what others are thinking of me, and remember that you are not there to impress others but to impress yourself, if you’re able to get this mindset change, I think you will be able to be your hundred percent self and you can do wonders.
‘Remember that you are not here to impress others but to impress yourself’
– Sampada
That change happened to me a little late but I’m glad it happened because everybody is moving at their own pace. One takeaway would be to continuously face your fears. If something scares you, you go do it. You will realize that there is nothing to lose and even if you do not know all the answers you’ll figure it out.
Moving on, did you find yourself in any vulnerable situations anytime? I’m sure you’re not this confident all the time! Maybe there was ambiguity where you made a decision that turned out to be not the right one. How did you deal with such situations?
Arshita: Being a consultant, I’m always dealing with ambiguity.
One key principle as a management consultant that we operate with is TRUST. When it comes to ambiguity, I do recognize that I do not know all the answers and I work with them, with my client to figure out the best answer with what we know at that time.
Of course there are mistakes, we are human. It’s really about how you deal with it.
So when a mistake happens, what I would do is, in any situation, figure out what is the problem and be transparent with the client to maintain the trust relationship. As long as there is mutual respect, nobody blows the gasket and everybody understands that mistakes do happen.
Another thing I do is when my team makes a mistake is I treat it as my mistake because I am accountable for my team. I would never want my team to feel like I put them under the bus and that really enables an environment of learning and people are not self conscious. Their self-confidence is not battered and impacted that way, and instead they can go and think about what they can do different and not let this mistake happen again, because that’s my expectation. You made this mistake, move on, learn from it and do not make the same mistake again. Usually that’s how I approach making a mistake.
For your question on whether I am vulnerable, I have been vulnerable many times.
Life throws so many things at you. One incident that comes to my mind is when I was 23-24 and I interviewed for a project and came to the US to work with client face-to-face for the first time.
I got the news at 2 AM that I have to travel and I woke up my dad and told him that we need to have a conversation. He said “It’s 2 AM! What kind of a conversation do you want to have now??”
I told him “I’ve got this opportunity. It’s very good but I’m terrified because what if I make a mistake and I’m not able to do what I’m expected to do!!?? I did say the right things at the interview but I’m still scared!”.
To that my dad said,” Do not worry about making mistakes. Treat this as an opportunity that you can explore, to learn. That is the mindset I want you to go forward with”.
That really helped me to change my mindset, like you also said, do not think of it as failing, but think of it as an opportunity to learn and explore. There are many instances like that and I’m lucky to have my personal board of directors – my sister my parents, my partner, some close friends who I now have a mutual mentoring relationship with and I really leverage all of them to help me with my moments of vulnerability and self-doubt.
‘I leverage my personal Board of Directors to help me with my moments of doubt and vulnerability’
– Arshita
Sampada: Wow, personal board of directors! That’s a great term to use! It’s really important to have that group of people who are your biggest cheerleaders.
I have also learned similar things on my own journey. To take on challenges even if you do not know everything. Self-confidence is not about knowing everything right it’s about trusting your abilities and knowing that you can figure it out.
‘Self-confidence is not about knowing everything. Its about trusting your abilities and knowing that you can figure it out’
– Sampada
If you think about it, self-confidence is also about recognizing your weaknesses along with strengths and acknowledging them. When you find yourself in situations where you’re not skilled enough to take it forward, acknowledging it and asking for required help is also a mark of confidence.
Arshita: yeah, absolutely.
Sampada: When talking about vulnerability, I have one experience at work to share.
We all know people who are in leadership positions, who have the authority and power, and how they tend to dominate in most of the meetings and discussions. There is one such person at my workplace. I used to feel intimidated and worried that I would say something wrong, or stupid and lose my credibility.
Then in another meeting, one day, I saw that he was being bullied by another senior member of the company. That opened my eyes to the fact that he is not invincible. That he is every bit of a human that I am, packaged with his own set of weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
I don’t know if it is healthy that other person’s vulnerability gave me the strength and confidence, but I find myself with much more conviction when working with him! This helped me to be less critical of myself, and not be bothered by other’s superiority and really focus on myself.
Personally this was a game changer for me 🙂
OK moving onto the next question.
Confidence is a double edge word. Especially for women it, it can be easily misconstrued as arrogance or over-confidence. So did you had to deal with any situation at work where you were misunderstood? How do you walk this thin line without giving in?
We have to keep in mind that a confident woman can always be judged as overconfident, arrogant, dominating, bossy- you name it – there are wonderful words to define that. I think all that is noise. You don’t have to listen to it. I kind of learned to filter out that noise.
I think the right balance is to approach with humility and self-confidence. You should be really humble about what you bring to the table and at the same time open to the idea that others will also have some thing unique to offer and that together you can create something magical.
I take this attitude to work to because I am a 5 foot Indian girl and many times I walk into rooms with tall white men who have been doing that work for 25 years. They will be like what are you going to tell me that I don’t already know?
It’s important to acknowledge that they have been doing this work for 25 years, so they know something about this but also remembering that you got a seat at the table because you have something to offer too and be very very confident about that. Always take that attitude and work with others with empathy and humility and loads of self-confidence.
Sampada: That’s an excellent point. To remember that you got a seat at the table because you have something to offer. Also, approaching it like a team who is trying to reach a common goal and setting aside personal differences helps in having a sane conversation without any egoistic barriers.
My next question is a little bit interesting. To feel confident usually preparation is the key but most of the times situations are thrown at you where you do not have time to prepare. So in such situations, have you used the fake it till you make it technique? Do you believe in this?
Arshita: It has worked for some people but personally it’s not for me. To fake it, it takes a lot of energy. I would rather use that energy to figure out what how I can add value and really learn in the environment and come from a place of authenticity.
And that may be exposing yourself to show that you are not perfect. I think when people see that you’re not, they are more open to work with you as opposed to saying “this is how it needs to be done. I’m super confident”.
Honestly, we do not know the answers for everything and showcasing what we know versus what we don’t know and being confident about that – that’s what worked for me rather than just being purely confident all the time.
Sampada: I totally agree with you that it is not the best way to go!
But I slightly differ as well because I have used this technique a few times at work because I find myself dealing with different teams who have the expertise but I do not and I have to pretend that I know what I’m talking about to get some things done.
Especially when leading teams, it helps if the lead sounds confident even if the answers are ambiguous or uncertain because that will bring some energy into the team and that helps with morale and better performance.
It is definitely not a full proof plan and definitely not a long-term solution but it has helped me get through some situations, Especially when you find yourself in charge and want to give a direction to the team to get started.
Arshita: Of course! That can definitely be done when that is the need of the hour and as long as you have a logical path.
Sampada: Yes definitely that’s a great point! As long as you’re thinking logically people will believe in the confidence that you are showing.
As we wrap up, what advice would you like to give us on how to build and maintain our self-confidence ?
Arshita : I would say do more and more of things that scare you. When you come out of it unscathed, you would believe more and more in yourself. And cut out the noise and just focus on yourself!
You can watch or listen to the video here.