The topic for #CandidSpeak Episode 2 is Putting yourself First and what it really means.
Self-care is something that doesn’t cross our mind often, and even if it does, it takes a backseat and loses to more pressing needs like work and family.
This is a transcript of the Instagram Live that I did with Suma on October 5 on this very topic. You can watch the full video here.
Sampada : Good morning! I hope everyone is having a great weekend!
You are watching the second episode of Candid Speak and the topic for today is “Putting yourself first and what it really means”.
Thank you so much for joining the live session. Its highly encouraging and gives me hope and happiness that we as a community can be more and better.
Before I invite my guest and jump into the topic, I would like to start with a few questions to all of you.
How often do you pause and check if you are doing okay ? How do you feel most days – Snappy? Unhappy? Neutral? Low on energy? Exhausted ? Stressed?
Or Happy? Energetic ? Joyful ? Ready to take on the day?
If you are on the left end of the spectrum most days, do you dig deeper and question why you feel the way you do ? Or have you grown used to feeling that way?
Put your own oxygen mask first before putting it on others, they say. Because “She” can be more when she puts herself on the list of priorities.
I am Sampada, Owner of the blog shecanbemore.com and shecanbemoreblog Insta handle and Our guest today is Suma, who is a research scientist, a mom and self-care enthusiast.
Thank you Suma for joining me today on Candid Speak.
Can you tell us a bit about yourself please?
Suma: Hello everyone, Thank you for having me on the candid speak series. I am really excited to be here and looking forward to having a fun conversation over the next 40 min or so.
First of all congratulations on launching this wonderful platform where women can share their stories and help each other to do better and to do more. I share the sentiment with you that we often hear success stories but don’t really understand the effort behind that success. So good luck and really looking forward to see how it evolves.
So a little bit about me! I am a scientist by profession who dreams about curing cancer one day and currently work at a pharma company on cancer research.
When I dont do science, I try to learn and do new things without really thinking about mastering them. Like they say, Jack of all trades and master of none. In short, variety is the spice of my life. My latest hobby or obsession is self-care and that’s why I am here today to share my learnings with you all. I really hope that our discussion today on self-care is going to help all of you to begin your self-care journey if you haven’t already.
Sampada : Absolutely Suma! The pleasure is all mine! Lets dive into our topic, shall we?
What does ‘self-care’ mean to you?
Suma : It is such a simple word with a deep meaning. To me, self-care really means getting in touch with myself, understanding my needs be it physical, emotional, mental, social, work and putting myself first.
Most women if not all tend to overlook their needs and focus their energies completely on people around them be it spouse, kids, other family or for a matter of fact become solely focused on work. We are always ready to jump onto things without really understanding our limitations.
So personally I feel that self-care is really important to set our own limitations, bring the best out of ourselves, be energetic and live fully and effectively with minimal stress.
Self-care to me is getting in touch with myself, understanding my needs and limitations.
– Suma
Sampada: Yes, well said Suma. Its really about self-awareness and knowing our limitations. That we cannot do it all. And hence focus our energies on things that really matter and give us joy.
When were you familiarized with this concept and tell us a little bit about your journey.
Suma: Fairly recently, 2-3 yrs ago. I still remember the day when this journey began. My son was ~6 months old and I was under a lot of stress just like any other mom. Lack of sleep, knee pain from my own pregnancy weight, lack of exercise, 1.5 hr commute each way and full time work.
I was very overwhelmed and unhappy. But I never paused and self-introspected. As you mentioned in the beginning, I never asked myself what my needs are. They say “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. It happened to me so many times and this was one of those times.
I saw a post on the book titled “The Happiness project” by Gretchen Rubin. The title was very intriguing, so I started reading her work and got hooked to her work. I love her podcast where she and her sister discuss happiness hacks, try-this-at-home tips; happiness stumbling block; They invite guests from different areas and many more.
That’s how my journey on self-care began and the podcast got me hooked to the world of self-help books. Over time I got better at thinking about my needs more often and putting myself first; understanding my limitations; letting go of expectations.
Sampada : Wow thats some serious investment of time! I checked out Gretchen Rubin and her website… and although I knew it before, her point that “If you feel happy, you feel more energised and get more things done” stuck with me. Why is it so hard to be happy, lol!
So, can you elaborate on how your life improved and provide some examples?
Suma: Absolutely! The first and foremost thing I learnt from her work is about my personality. She wrote this book on four tendencies where she categorizes personalities based on expectations.
There are four categories.
1) Obliger who meets outer expectations very easily but struggles to meet inner expectations.
2) Questioner who meets inner expectations easily but struggles to meet outer expectations.
3) Upholder who meets both inner and outer expectations easily and lastly
4) Rebel who struggles to meet both inner and outer expectations.
Surprise! Surprise! I am an obliger. For obligers, what matters is outer expectations and it is hard for them to meet inner expectations.
Sampada: That sounds very interesting. In this era of information overload, we consume a lot but seldom put the information to use.
So I am curious how you used this information.
Suma: In many areas. I will highlight a couple of them
In my own house. I realized that my husband is not an obliger. He is a questioner, meaning he will easily meet his inner expectations but when it comes to outer expectations, he struggles.
So, while I am always ready to jump onto things, be it house chores, planning for a vacation, taking care of my son, he is not. So everytime I expect him to jump onto things and he doesn’t, I used to get frustrated and it resulted in so much negativity and unhappiness.
Because of obliger nature, trust me it is super hard for me to ask for help. I assume that others would just read my mind and offer help. This helped me to put things in perspective and instead of getting frustrated, I started asking for help often even if I don’t like to ask.
We divided chores, hired help for cooking, baby sitting and cleaning which I would have never done otherwise. Slowly as time passed, I accepted our personalities and expected less. I communicate my needs without getting frustrated. If he can help that’s great, else we try to come up with a solution. To my surprise, he started doing more without me asking.
Creating accountability: The other area I struggled is regular exercise. I joined gym but that is not enough to maintain the discipline. So I decided to hire a trainer. Since it is expensive and she will lose money if I dont show up, she was my accountability partner. That helped me form the habit and now even during pandemic, I created a plan and stuck it on my wall. It reminds me when I dont work out for a number of days.
Sampada: Asking for help ! Its such a simple thing yet so hard to do! I am with you there.. I usually sit there too, with my big ego, waiting for my husband to do some chores without me telling him to. When all I had to do was ask/tell him.
So basically you got to the root of the problem – which is differing personalities and set your expectations differently.
Moving on to the next question, what are you currently focusing/working on?
Suma : I have been focusing on physical aspect these days i.e. eating, sleeping and exercising right.
I came across Rujuta Diwekar’s books recently. Some of you may already know that she is a famous nutritionist. I should say I am lucky to have come across and read her books. She has books on eating right, exercising right , another book on women and weight loss tamasha (both are eye openers for me). Wonderful books and I highly recommend them to every single person.
Some of my main take aways are
a. Eating right:
Eat every two hours
Eating every 2 hr may sound crazy but I should say that eating every 2 hr leaves me with constant supply of energy throughout the day, no more sugar crashes and I don’t find myself tired. I dont binge on unhealthy foods because I plan ahead and I am always full. This changed my relationship with food.
b. Exercising right:
Follow four Rs right after the exercise-Rehydrate (drinks 2 cups of water), Replenish (with a carb like potato, sweet potato or banana), Repair (with a protein shake), Recover (with a multi vitamin).
All these need to be done within 1 hr of your workout. I dont know if any of you feel this but exercise used to drain me out instead of giving me more energy. So this is a big eye opener for me to follow four Rs after working out.
By following her principles of eating right and exercising right, improved my relationship with food, I feel more energetic, I don’t get bloated anymore, no acidity, no PMS symptoms and no pain during my menses which I struggled with a lot. Also, I developed lean muscle and lost weight, although it was not my main motivation.
Follow four Rs right after the exercise-Rehydrate (drinks 2 cups of water), Replenish (with a carb like potato, sweet potato or banana), Repair (with a protein shake), Recover (with a multi vitamin).
– Suma
Sampada: We talked about taking care of physical self i.e eating, exercising and sleeping. Lets talk a little bit on emotional self-care.
I feel like our emotions get the least attention from us. Most of us cope with them in unhealthy ways like seeking distractions, burying them, not talking about them and dealing with them in not-so-effective ways.
How do you deal with emotional stress?
Suma : I completely agree with you that we give the least attention to our emotions; why we behave the way we do; why we get angry, why we yell at our kids etc.
I am not perfect but I improved a lot in the last 3 yrs. Let me give you a before and after story.
Before story: Lets say there is a conflict with my husband. Instead of asking him why he behaved the way he did and telling him that it is making me angry, usually the conflict leads to several negative thoughts. You start to use words like always and never. He is always like that; he never helps me out; It goes into a spiral and I start to think about unrelated issues and be sad and stop talking to him, snap at him for few days and finally make peace. Note here that I didnt address the cause of my behavior.
After story: First I acknowledge that I am angry and tell him that I did not like the way he behaved and clearly communicate my emotions and expectations. Acknowledging your anger and communicating it immediately saves so much of energy but I feel it is the hardest thing to do. The ego sets in here. My husband gives an answer. I try to explain to him what resulted in my anger, be it the tone, choice of words etc. Now this becomes a conversation. This way, we solve the problem and eventually the knee jerk reaction of going down the spiral of negativity stops and you solve the problem in few minutes instead of days or weeks and save soooo much energy!!!
I feel like our emotions get the least attention from us. Most of us cope with them in unhealthy ways like seeking distractions, burying them, not talking about them.
Sampada
Sampada : Haha! Husbands are the source of all our problems 😉
On a serious note, I totally agree with what you said! I bought the book “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner on Audible on your recommendation because I was finding myself angry and snappy on most days and wanted to do something about it.
There were some great insights into our behaviors and my biggest take away was that “An outburst of anger only gives more power to the person you are angry on. They feel wiser, calmer, and your anger would eventually go undervalued and futile. Nothing would have really changed”
This point hit home hard. I made some changes in how I expressed my anger, it was soooooo hard, trust me, but I did, and I could see how it put me in control of the situation and my emotions and really helped make my point better.
Thank you so much for recommending this book Suma!
Sampada : This brings us to a more universal problem – the working-mom-guilt. Almost every working mom suffers from it.
Moms are expected to work like we don’t raise children and expected to raise children like we don’t work.
Sampada
Every time we choose our work or self over our kids, we become a less of a person in our own eyes. This constant battle of pushing away the guilt drains our energy.
How do you deal with mom-guilt?
Suma : I completely agree with you. I fall in the same boat sometimes. Things are different now and we are able to spend more time with family which has its own challenges but pre- pandemic days, I hardly used to get 1-2 hr to spend with my son. In those hours I try to be fully present when I am with him and enter into his world and do the things that he likes.
I try not to compare myself with other moms. Every relationship is different and every kid is different. Let go of the guilt, forgive yourself, do your best and see if you can improve anywhere – that’s my formula.
How do you deal with it Sampada?
Sampada: Well, I am eaten with guilt most of the times. Especially during these WFH days, its hard to focus on work and kid when both are demanding 😀 There are days when I had to close the door on his face to attend a work call, or hide from him.
I try to compensate this by being fully present with him when I can. I take him to the park in the evenings, go bike riding, and doing whatever I can to bond.
I have come to a realization that we don’t need to be that self-sacrificing, selfless, do-it-all, know-it-all mom. Kids don’t need a perfect mom, all they need is a happy mom. I try to remember this, remember my values, and why I chose to work. That helps me in being true to myself and my child.
We don’t need to be that self-sacrificing, selfless, do-it-all, know-it-all mom. We need to be a happy mom.
Sampada
Sampada : We have talked about various aspects of self-care , lets talk about What are some common misconceptions around self-care.
What self-care is NOT ?
Suma : Thats a great question! A good food for thought for everyone, actually.
The biggest misconception that comes to my mind is that Self-care is selfish. When you are working on yourself to be the best version of yourself, its not selfish. It will only empower you to do zillion other tasks without any negative energy, but with calmness and energy instead.
It means engaging in activities and taking out time for activities that recharge us, rejuvenate us. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean me first or me only.It means me too.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean me first or me only; it means me too.
Suma
Sampada: Wow, so well said! I like how you said, “me too‘.
Another thing I can think of is saying NO. “NO” has a negative connotation to it, but when said in a proper way, its totally acceptable.
I used to see my dad, returning home exhausted after a long day at work and frustrating traffic, and then waking up at 4 am the next day because he promised somebody he would visit for a borewell site.
We would beg him to postpone it, or say you are too tired and would do it the next week. But No. He could never bring himself to say no to others.
What I am trying to say here is, we have to remember that when we say YES to others, we are saying NO to yourself. And there are some good ways of saying NO. Its an art, actually.
“I would have loved to do it, but Sorry, I have too much on my plate already. “
“Sorry, will need more than 2 days to get this report for you. “
“I wish I could go to the party, but I have to prepare for my test.”
“Sorry, I don’t check my emails on weekends. Please call me if you have to reach me urgently.”
We should get more comfortable saying NO and accepting NO as an answer.
Suma : Totally agree. These are all hard things to do, although it looks good on paper, lol!. Change doesn’t happen overnight. But its good to be aware and try implementing one thing at a time
Sampada : Here comes the next question on the ubiquitous Social media !!
Social media is a large part of how we spend our time in a day. You are either a content creator or a consumer. There is FB, IG, Twitter, Youtube, What are you ?
How active are you on social media ? How do you avoid the perils of it ?
Suma : I am mostly a consumer. I use Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, podcasts and most often I fall into the trap of mindlessly browsing FB or, Instagram when I am bored. I try to stop it by switching to kindle/books so I can just focus on reading without distraction.
You spend so much time creating content, and use social media to market your blog and content. How do you deal with the stress of numbers? The likes and followers etc ? Does it get to you ?
Sampada :It used to, but not anymore. I have learnt to not let the number of likes and followers affect me greatly, thanks to some awesome blogging coaches like shailaja.
We often resort to social media to seek instant gratification and validation. The likes and followers are only a byproduct and not the ultimate goal. When you have this clarity, life becomes easy.
Also, The words from 3 idiots movie keeps ringing in my ears.
“Run after excellence. And success will come to you.”
3 Idiots, Movie
So I try to focus my energies on creating quality content and marketing it right, and not really worry about the likes and followers.
And when you worry about the likes and followers, you will stop enjoying the process of creation. I do this because it is meaningful to me, and I try to remember that.
Suma : Do you have any self-care goals ? What are you focusing on these days?
Sampada: Well ! Practicing mindfulness and finding a way to recharge and rejuvenate.
There was a time period when nothing I did gave me peace of mind or joy. I would go for a walk, and my mind would be in an unending for-loop of thoughts that drain my energy. I would pickup a fiction, but keep wondering if I should have read that 10-day MBA. I sit down to write a blogpost, and think how bad I am at it.
It was like, I stopped doing things for fun and joy. I did things wanting to get something out of it. I was not switching off. My mind was everywhere and nowhere and I forgot how to have fun and be present in the moment.
Sorry for the long answer, but I am trying to find a good way to enjoy what I do, and hence recharge and rejuvenate without feeling drained.
Suma : Thats some awesmome goals ! I am sure many of us will relate to it!
Sampada : Thank you Suma!
Alright, we have come to the end of our Candid Speak ! That was some great conversation Suma, with some great isights and references to lot of podcasts and self-care resources. You are a warehouse of information! I would like to wrap up this talk show by highlighting three points for our audience.
- The responsibility of our well being lies in our hands.
- Watch how you are spending your time and what it is doing to you. Is it giving you energy or draining it?
- Lastly, I urge all of you to Choose ONE thing you want to focus on for the next three months, be it mom-guilt, or physical fitness, or emotional well being and work on it. Just ONE thing.
Episode 1 of Candid Speak was Self-Confidence. You can read the transcript here.