Contributed by: Sampada
Just having a mentor is not enough. Like any relationship, a mentor-mentee relationship takes effort to keep it alive, meaningful and true to its purpose. I had the opportunity to have had multiple mentors the past few years, but the relationship dissolved even before it blossomed.
5 common mistakes we all make with mentors
1. Popping the question
My ex-managers were both young and amazing people with multitude of talents and aspirations to make it big. I had great off-work relationship with them, and sought them out occasionally for guidance and casual brainstorming. The first mistake I made when I had my managers genuinely interested in my growth was NOT asking for a mentorship relationship.
“Will you be my mentor?”
“Can we please meet regularly, probably once a month, to have such discussions for the next 6 months? It would really help with my progress.”
These are some simple direct ways of popping the question to establish an understanding of what is needed from both sides to make these conversations really useful.
It makes us accountable for asking somebody’s time, keeps us focused on what we are seeking, and drives us to get results.
Again, asking them be your mentor works with people who you already know, and have a good relationship with. We do not want to throw a ‘new’ person(who is not in an official mentorship program) off-guard or run for his life when you pop this question. So gauge his/her level of comfort and interest in you before you ask.
2. Lack of Preparation
Being self-aware is a huge plus when seeking somebody’s time to help us out. Many a time, I have struggled to answer questions asked to me, on the Iines of “What do you want to be ?” “Why do you want to do this?”
The Whys, the Hows, the Whats.
These are some basic yet profound questions, that need us to do some soul searching, be aware of what drives us, what we are really looking for. Its a process in itself. There is no single, constant answer. It takes time, and it requires us to be true to ourselves.
With so many career options to choose from, so many directions we could go from a point, this step is crucial to set a high level vision for yourself and what direction you want to take.
So when we are less aware of ourselves, it makes the mentoring process a little more long and winding. And it becomes easy to get discouraged and lose focus and give it up completely.
Having a mentor is particularly useful when you have specific challenges that you are seeking help with. Like Suma shared in her post here, it helps if you have done your homework.
The good news is, even if you do not have specific questions, the lack of direction itself can be made into a specific challenge that you want your mentor to help with. Even if you do not have a high level vision for your career or yourself, that exact problem can be established as the foundation for your mentorship process.
Having multiple choices can confuse a person even more, especially when we are not clear about what we want. This is absolutely a perfect, valid reason to seek out mentors. So do not lose hope or get overwhelmed. Breaking down your problem into multiple smaller, logical problems and tackling one at a time is the key to approaching complex problems (This is exactly what a mentor would have told you 😉 )
3. Having a narrow choice of mentors
When we think mentors, what comes to our minds is usually our managers and people with experience and expertise in our field.
But peers can be crucial mentors too.
One of my friends/colleagues reached out to me and asked to meet for lunch. It was an informal setting, he shared his ideas and plans for that year, how he felt he was a good fit in a different department, but had no idea how to get there, what hurdles lay in his path etc.
I was no expert, neither had I the authority to pull a few strings. But what we did next opened my eyes to the idea of peer-to-peer mentorship.
- We discussed what options he had
- What skills he needed to build (certifications etc)
- Which route was most feasible, that created win-win situations
- What is there to lose
- That its okay to take a step back for a brief time
- How taking a step back can only catapult him further in this scenario
Although he had already thought about most of these things, he had a person to bounce ideas with. He had a person who affirmed his thoughts, strengthening his belief of what was the best choice at that time. He had a person who helped him see things in a different light, that it was not as bad as he thought it was.
Having a group of 2-3 people with similar or different aspirations, helping each other break down goals and make strategies and holding each other accountable for progress – thats the basic idea of peer-to-peer mentorship. It is easy to find such groups and comfortable to work with.
4. Not Following through with Action
Once you have established the question(s) that you want help with, and assuming that you have sought help and had a few rounds of discussions, sharing progress is imperative to keep that relationship alive.
- To get the best out of each other’s time, take down specific action items and set a timeline.
- Share what you have been doing, and what you have discovered so far.
- Discuss what you think is your likely next step. Use your mentor as a sounding board, to find loopholes in your thinking, to find different perspectives.
In the example I shared above, we did take specific action items and set timelines. But life had its own plans. Read the next point 🙂
5. Life gets in the way
We get busy. Our priorities shift. We lose touch. A Pandemic can strike. A whole year becomes just the year of survival.
As robotic as it may sound, it helps to schedule meetings on our calendars monthly once, or once in 3 months , whatever suits you both and let the “process” guide you.
If your boss cares for you enough, go ahead and seek more guidance. If he doesn’t or you do not know, look for peers who have similar aspirations and form a mentorship program of your own. Keep these pitfalls in mind and avoid them at any cost!
About the Author
Sampada works as an IT delivery lead, and has a love-hate relationship with technology. She likes to challenge herself, has a love for words and life in general. Her goal is to live a life full of varied experiences.